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explode.gif (16495 bytes)explode.gif (16495 bytes)Fort Worth & Storm Lake Albatross RFC combine to form the
Cowtown United National Touring Side
and tour the
Okoboji Tournament, Okoboji, Iowa, June 20-21, 1998

PreviewRockey, Flip, and Naas join the Black Panthers.

This weekend, a number of Cowtown's best will venture to the Okoboji 15's Tournament, the premier mid-June 15-a-side tournament in all of northwest Iowa. Playing in the Pink and Blue of the Cowtown United National Touring Side, they will combine with their brethren of Storm Lake, Iowa RFC to mount an attack not seen since the sloth's of the late Mesozoic era left the safety of the trees to become ground sloth's. Like a pack of ravenous three-toed ground sloth's foraging for nuts and berries, they look to score at will with their lightning quick moves and deceptive speed.

Storm Lake has a long tradition of great rugby players, starting with their founder Roy Vaselino. For years Roy was content to merely work as a DJ in a topless bar. However, years of seeing the same racks night after night made him restless, and he began to have delusions of grandeur.  These delusions eventually made it onto the rugby pitch, with names like Roy, Fatty, Roadmap, Hammer, Spock, Scotty, and Sulu.


Fort Worth and Storm Lake were unaware that the Mesozoic Sloth's were actually rather slow and lazy creatures.  Although not a good creature to emulate, it was unfortunately realistic.

Knowing the Cowtown United National Touring Side is an internationally known side of players that strikes fear in the hearts of all but the bravest women, children, and elderly, the side entered the tournament under the name "Wayne Nebraska Fighting Farmers."  This, of course, fooled no one, and the team was already on its way to the Bad Rugby Hall of Fame.

The Cowtown ContingentWhat, this isn't a skinhead rally?

Intensity is his middle name.The Cowtown contingent consisted of the slug international tight head/fly half Naas Dalton.  Weighing in at a healthy 280 lbs., he was well received by all fans since he blocked out the sun so well.   At scrum harf was the little known but fatter than Buddha former hooker, Rooster Van Flapperbots, whose head fakes and pass from the base of the scrum was a constant source of tittering chortles.  At inside center was the bad boy of the Iowa punk rock scene, known far and wide as only "Rodman".  Rodman brought intensity, and intensity was enough.  Nuf said.  Finally, the star of the show, Rocky the Flying Squirrel played on the wing. Leaving his feet at rucks, scrums, mauls, in the open field, and when grabbing for a Twinkie at the half, Rocky had the sizeable crowd, all three of 'em, cringing in terror at every collision.

The Storm Lake ContingentRoy Vaselino, Naas Dalton, and Fatty, (Our back three).

The Storm Lake contingent consisted of player/coach Loman Brakedown, who would be extremely disappointed at the weekend's results.  In fact, no one can remember anyone being anything but disappointed at a weekend's results. Brakedown should have got back in his car and drove home Saturday morning when that Iowa pigeon shit on his shoulder. (Things only got worse from there.) At lock was Darn Poussy, who played four matches, but his days with the team are numbered. He's part of the team for one reason (his wife), and if she gets that boob reduction he's off the team for sure. Tom Magazine played for the Farmers for the first time in six years. Six years ago the team left him passed out on the floor of the Main Street Station Casino and headed for a gentleman's club. He finally forgave them and decided to play Okoboji. After the weekend it will be at least another six years before they see him again. At 350 lbs. there was Fatty. I think that's his real name, too.   I guess when you're named "Fatty" from birth, your eating habits are spelled out pretty clearly from the beginning.  Fatty was a versatile player, playing both front and row. At lock was Roadmap, who shaved his beard for the tournament.   The chicks at the party were telling him how glad they were that the geek that plays 2nd row with the beard did not make the trip.

The Tournament - Saturday

The tournament had no medical personnel on site, but quickly called for some once the Fighting Farmers had played a half.  It was only a matter of time...

The first game saw the Farmers facing what seemed to be an unbeatable opponent, the defending champion Luther College Old Boys.  Unbeatable they were.  With a tremendous effort and courage that would make Brave Brave Sir Robin turn tail and run, the Farmers crossed the half way line early in the second half.  Way to go Farmers!   Although they argued intensely, the thick headed referee refused to award any points for the feat.  As a result of the poor and obviously biased referee, the Farmers lost the close match 35-0.

Knowing that crossing half way is an accomplishment that comes only rarely, the Farmers struggled to put on their game faces against the famous Iowa Gothics.  The Gothics jumped out quickly to a 7-0 lead, but they had forgotten about the Rooster.  Rooster called the obvious play, "Big hairy man", at a lineout inside the Gothic's 5 meters, but quickly changed it to the deceptive "Little bald woman" which no one would expect.  It was immediately obvious that the jumper was still thinking about the "Big hairy man", you know, the man that you would love to spend a quiet candle-lit evening with, the man you would love to ....

Oh yeah.  The jumper was thinking "Big hairy man" and dumped the ball to the crashing Rooster.  And Cock-A-Doodle-Doo if he didn't score! Gothics 7, Farmers 5.

Soon the farmers would give up another score to the Gothics, which would be answered soon enough by Rocky.  Rocky left his feet while tackling an opponent, jarring his own head and neck, but jarring loose the ball, as well.  In stride he picked it up, and dove (of course) across the line for the Farmers' second try of the day.  The score of this "Clash of the Titans" match was now knotted at 12.

The second half saw the teams trade scores. No one on the Farmers saw their team's score, though. After pseudo-spinning the ball to the wing, the Farmers went to where the support needed to be, back twenty meters to catch the inevitable backwards kick.   After turning and looking up for the ball, the farmers realized that their young winger had taken the ball sixty meters for a score.  The Farmers scratched their head and asked the referee, "Is that legal?", and were assured it would give them 5 points.  Once again, the game was tied.

Feeling the adrenaline rush from the demonstration of effort from their young wing, the Farmers began playing rugby like they knew they could.  But when you weigh close to 250 (Rooster), close to 300 (Naas), close to 350 (Fatty), or close to 400 (Roy Vaselino) that little surge of adrenaline usually lasts less than a nanosecond.  Therefore, less than a nanosecond later, the Gothics kicked a penalty to take the game 22-19.

For more than a minute, it wasn't apparent the game was over.  The referee (275 lbs.), was hunched over and wheezing uncontrollably, but finally mustered the energy to blow his whistle to signal "No side."  Sadly, this strenuous activity was too much and he collapsed.  The smelling salts were ineffective, but the Farmers were used to these episodes, and came up with a solution.  Naas crinkled the wrapper from the HoHo's he had stuffed in his pocket during the game, and noise had the referee back on his feet in no time.

Done for the day, the Farmers went back to their tents dejected.  In such a state, usually rugby players make up for it by drinking heavily.  So they did.  Nearby, the Gothics were celebrating two victories by drinking heavily, and just beyond them was a team that finished the day at 1-1.  They were drinking heavily, too.  The Iowa Pig Eaters RFC finished at 1-0-1, so they were merely drinking fiercely.  Finally, all the teams at 0-1-1 were simply drinking ferociously.

The KUM & GO.Soon the Cowtown contingent went back to their virtual palace, The Crow's Nest.   With running water and free soap, and conveniently near the local Kum & Go their accommodations were the best in all of Okoboji, and other teams looked upon them with spite and envy. Like true Iowans, they didn't waste their money on foolish things like batteries for the smoke detectors.  The detectors were there (because they looked nice), but the batteries weren't.

Outside the tournament party, the Farmers encountered two women who worked for "US To-Backey", and received free samples of their newest snuff product, "Rooster."   The soon-to-be-named "Rooster" put a little pinch between his cheek and gum, and it wasn't 5 minutes before all those 2-for-1 beers were on the pavement.   The product is a good one, and with a motto like "Put a little cock in your mouth", how can it go wrong?


The Tournament - Sunday

Early the next morning, the Farmers made their case for not only being in the Bad Rugby Hall of Fame, but for being the featured team.  Playing the University of Okoboji, the Farmers managed to put themselves into the title game with a loss.  The title they would be playing for was "Worst Team".

Naas fakes the scissors to Rooster.

Rooster, Brain Dead, Naas, Rodman, and Rocky.After losing to U of O by more than 20 points, the title match was against the Sioux City Area Barbarians Side, a formidable opponent as evidenced by their 0-3 record.  The Farmers were yet again no match for their opposite, and easily took the title of Worst Team, finishing in 13th place.  Two new Cowtown faces made appearances in this match, charter members of the BRHoF, Brain Dead and Little Woody.  Brain Dead played like he'd forgotten everything, but Little Woody definitely wasn't up for the match.   Little Woody limply hung around the rear of the action, and never seemed able to enter play.  Holes were opening up, but Little Woody was unable to enter them, hence the Farmers never penetrated the try zone.

For the record, here are the tournament results:

1-8 Bunch o' lame teams that know the rules
9. Hegret Eathen Rugby Playing East Side (H.E.R.P.E.S.)
10. South Park Hill, Indiana National Conglomeration of Territorial Eagle-scout Ruggers (S.P.H.I.N.C.T.E.R.)
11. Prattsville United Keg Embibing Rugby Side (their spelling) (P.U.K.E.R.S.)
12. Sioux City Area Barbarians Side (S.C.A.B.S.)
13. Cowtown United National Touring Side (C.U.N.T.S.)

After watching and participating in such a sad display of athletics, Sunday afternoon the Cowtown contingent saw the US Soccer team lose to Iran.  At least for the weekend, the Farmers weren't the biggest losers in the world.  On a more positive note, maybe the loss to Iran will deep-six that silly little sport for good in the US.

Check this web site for results from the upcoming tours, including:
Ubuquuqui - Best Tournament in all of the two eastern-most counties of North Dakota.
Elastopernum - Tournament for Dungeons and Dragons Grand Champions only.
Nastilfanker - Naked fat-man rugby!


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