Worth & Storm Lake Albatross RFC combine to form the
Cowtown United National Touring Side
and tour the
Okoboji Tournament, Okoboji, Iowa, June 20-21, 1998
This weekend, a number of Cowtown's best will venture to the Okoboji 15's Tournament,
the premier mid-June 15-a-side tournament in all of northwest Iowa. Playing in the Pink
and Blue of the Cowtown United National Touring Side, they will combine with their
brethren of Storm Lake, Iowa RFC to mount an attack not seen since the sloth's of the late
Mesozoic era left the safety of the trees to become ground sloth's. Like a pack of
ravenous three-toed ground sloth's foraging for nuts and berries, they look to score at
will with their lightning quick moves and deceptive speed.
Storm Lake has a long tradition of great rugby players, starting with their founder Roy
Vaselino. For years Roy was content to merely work as a DJ in a topless bar. However,
years of seeing the same racks night after night made him restless, and he began to have
delusions of grandeur. These delusions eventually made it onto the rugby pitch, with
names like Roy, Fatty, Roadmap, Hammer, Spock, Scotty, and Sulu.
Fort Worth and Storm Lake were unaware that the Mesozoic Sloth's were actually rather
slow and lazy creatures. Although not a good creature to emulate, it was
Knowing the Cowtown United National Touring Side is an internationally known side of
players that strikes fear in the hearts of all but the bravest women, children, and
elderly, the side entered the tournament under the name "Wayne Nebraska Fighting
Farmers." This, of course, fooled no one, and the team was already on its way
to the Bad Rugby Hall of Fame.
The Cowtown Contingent
contingent consisted of the slug international tight head/fly half Naas Dalton.
Weighing in at a healthy 280 lbs., he was well received by all fans since he blocked out
the sun so well. At scrum harf was the little known but fatter than Buddha former
hooker, Rooster Van Flapperbots, whose head fakes and pass from the base of the scrum was
a constant source of tittering chortles. At inside center was the bad boy of the
Iowa punk rock scene, known far and wide as only "Rodman".
Rodman brought intensity, and intensity was enough. Nuf said. Finally, the
star of the show, Rocky the Flying Squirrel played on the wing. Leaving his feet at rucks,
scrums, mauls, in the open field, and when grabbing for a Twinkie at the half, Rocky had
the sizeable crowd, all three of 'em, cringing in terror at every collision.
The Storm Lake Contingent
The Storm Lake contingent consisted of player/coach Loman Brakedown, who would be
extremely disappointed at the weekend's results. In fact, no one can remember anyone
being anything but disappointed at a weekend's results. Brakedown should have got back in
his car and drove home Saturday morning when that Iowa pigeon shit on his shoulder.
(Things only got worse from there.) At lock was Darn Poussy, who played four matches, but
his days with the team are numbered. He's part of the team for one reason (his wife), and
if she gets that boob reduction he's off the team for sure. Tom Magazine played for the
Farmers for the first time in six years. Six years ago the team left him passed out on the
floor of the Main Street Station Casino and headed for a gentleman's club. He finally
forgave them and decided to play Okoboji. After the weekend it will be at least another
six years before they see him again. At 350 lbs. there was Fatty. I think that's his real
name, too. I guess when you're named "Fatty" from birth, your eating
habits are spelled out pretty clearly from the beginning. Fatty was a versatile
player, playing both front and row. At lock was Roadmap, who shaved his beard for the
tournament. The chicks at the party were telling him how glad they were that the
geek that plays 2nd row with the beard did not make the trip.
The Tournament - Saturday
The tournament had no medical personnel on site, but quickly called for some once the
Fighting Farmers had played a half. It was only a matter of time...
The first game saw the Farmers facing what seemed to be an unbeatable opponent, the
defending champion Luther College Old Boys. Unbeatable they were. With a
tremendous effort and courage that would make Brave Brave Sir Robin turn tail and run, the
Farmers crossed the half way line early in the second half. Way to go Farmers!
Although they argued intensely, the thick headed referee refused to award any
points for the feat. As a result of the poor and obviously biased referee, the
Farmers lost the close match 35-0.
Knowing that crossing half way is an accomplishment that comes only rarely, the Farmers
struggled to put on their game faces against the famous Iowa Gothics. The Gothics
jumped out quickly to a 7-0 lead, but they had forgotten about the Rooster. Rooster
called the obvious play, "Big hairy man", at a lineout inside the Gothic's 5
meters, but quickly changed it to the deceptive "Little bald woman" which no
one would expect. It was immediately obvious that the jumper was still
thinking about the "Big hairy man", you know, the man that you would love to
spend a quiet candle-lit evening with, the man you would love to ....
Oh yeah. The jumper was thinking "Big hairy man" and dumped the ball to
the crashing Rooster. And Cock-A-Doodle-Doo if he didn't score! Gothics 7, Farmers
Soon the farmers would give up another score to the Gothics, which would be answered
soon enough by Rocky. Rocky left his feet while tackling an opponent, jarring his
own head and neck, but jarring loose the ball, as well. In stride he picked it up,
and dove (of course) across the line for the Farmers' second try of the day. The
score of this "Clash of the Titans" match was now knotted at 12.
The second half saw the teams trade scores. No one on the Farmers saw their team's
score, though. After pseudo-spinning the ball to the wing, the Farmers went to where the
support needed to be, back twenty meters to catch the inevitable backwards kick.
After turning and looking up for the ball, the farmers realized that their young winger
had taken the ball sixty meters for a score. The Farmers scratched their head and
asked the referee, "Is that legal?", and were assured it would give them 5
points. Once again, the game was tied.
Feeling the adrenaline rush from the demonstration of effort from their young wing, the
Farmers began playing rugby like they knew they could. But when you weigh close to
250 (Rooster), close to 300 (Naas), close to 350 (Fatty), or close to 400 (Roy Vaselino)
that little surge of adrenaline usually lasts less than a nanosecond. Therefore,
less than a nanosecond later, the Gothics kicked a penalty to take the game 22-19.
For more than a minute, it wasn't apparent the game was over. The referee (275
lbs.), was hunched over and wheezing uncontrollably, but finally mustered the energy to
blow his whistle to signal "No side." Sadly, this strenuous activity was
too much and he collapsed. The smelling salts were ineffective, but the Farmers were
used to these episodes, and came up with a solution. Naas crinkled the wrapper from
the HoHo's he had stuffed in his pocket during the game, and noise had the referee back on
his feet in no time.
Done for the day, the Farmers went back to their tents dejected. In such a state,
usually rugby players make up for it by drinking heavily. So they did. Nearby,
the Gothics were celebrating two victories by drinking heavily, and just beyond them was a
team that finished the day at 1-1. They were drinking heavily, too. The Iowa
Pig Eaters RFC finished at 1-0-1, so they were merely drinking fiercely. Finally,
all the teams at 0-1-1 were simply drinking ferociously.
Soon the Cowtown contingent went
back to their virtual palace, The Crow's Nest. With running water and free soap,
and conveniently near the local Kum & Go their
accommodations were the best in all of Okoboji, and other teams looked upon them with
spite and envy. Like true Iowans, they didn't waste their money on foolish things like
batteries for the smoke detectors. The detectors were there (because they looked
nice), but the batteries weren't.
Outside the tournament party, the Farmers encountered two women who worked for "US
To-Backey", and received free samples of their newest snuff product,
"Rooster." The soon-to-be-named "Rooster" put a little pinch
between his cheek and gum, and it wasn't 5 minutes before all those 2-for-1 beers were on
the pavement. The product is a good one, and with a motto like "Put a little
cock in your mouth", how can it go wrong?
The Tournament - Sunday
Early the next morning, the Farmers made their case for not only being in the Bad Rugby
Hall of Fame, but for being the featured team. Playing the University of Okoboji,
the Farmers managed to put themselves into the title game with a loss. The title
they would be playing for was "Worst Team".
losing to U of O by more than 20 points, the title match was against the Sioux City Area
Barbarians Side, a formidable opponent as evidenced by their 0-3 record. The Farmers
were yet again no match for their opposite, and easily took the title of Worst Team,
finishing in 13th place. Two new Cowtown faces made appearances in this match,
charter members of the BRHoF, Brain Dead and Little Woody. Brain Dead played like
he'd forgotten everything, but Little Woody definitely wasn't up for the match.
Little Woody limply hung around the rear of the action, and never seemed able to
enter play. Holes were opening up, but Little Woody was unable to enter them, hence
the Farmers never penetrated the try zone.
For the record, here are the tournament results:
1-8 Bunch o' lame teams that know the rules
9. Hegret Eathen Rugby Playing East Side (H.E.R.P.E.S.)
10. South Park Hill, Indiana National Conglomeration of Territorial Eagle-scout Ruggers
11. Prattsville United Keg Embibing Rugby Side (their spelling) (P.U.K.E.R.S.)
12. Sioux City Area Barbarians Side (S.C.A.B.S.)
13. Cowtown United National Touring Side (C.U.N.T.S.)
After watching and participating in such a sad display of athletics, Sunday afternoon
the Cowtown contingent saw the US Soccer team lose to Iran. At least for the
weekend, the Farmers weren't the biggest losers in the world. On a more positive
note, maybe the loss to Iran will deep-six that silly little sport for good in the US.
Check this web site for results from the upcoming tours, including:
Ubuquuqui - Best Tournament in all of the two eastern-most counties of
Elastopernum - Tournament for Dungeons and Dragons Grand Champions only.
Nastilfanker - Naked fat-man rugby!